At Year's End

What does it mean to walk in a woods and come upon a deer?

And what if the deer is still, doesn't run away, looks in your eyes, as if attempting to communicate with you?

Pagan wisdom says the deer symbolizes graceful gentleness and sensitivity, in that they blend very well with their environment but are hyperaware of every sound or movement. Capable of being hidden in plain sight, they choose visibility to very few.

People with a kinship to deer, who have "deer medicine" are often described as being swift and alert. They are intuitive, often appearing to have well developed, even extrasensory, perceptions. Sometimes their thoughts seem to race ahead, and they appear not to be listening.

Just as the deer bounds from one place to another, a person with deer medicine often moves quickly from one situation to another, often never staying long enough in one place to get a "full meal," so much restless energy.

So time spent is valuable. A blessing bestowed, with meaning that comes later, if you're still and listen.

It seems to me a good omen ...

Jahrzeit

I see my daughter at a distance:
dark-curled waif with wise eyes.

Now I see her through a glass darkly,
Someday I will see her face to face.

She watches and instructs me, when I listen.
Perhaps it would have been the other way around.

Ruah, tell me
you forgive me.

May the great Name of God be exalted and sanctified,
throughout the world,
which He has created according to His will.

May His Kingship be established
in your lifetime and in your days,
and in the lifetime of the entire household of Israel,
swiftly and in the near future;
and say, Amen.

May His great Name be blessed, forever and ever.
Blessed, praised, glorified, exalted, extolled, honored elevated and lauded
be the Name of the Holy One,
Blessed is He -
above and beyond any
blessings and hymns,
praises and consolations
which are uttered in the world;
and say Amen.

May there be abundant peace from Heaven, and life,
upon us and upon all Israel;
and say, Amen.

He who makes peace in His high holy places,
may He bring peace upon us,
and upon all Israel;
and say Amen.

Trust, Betrayal, Anger, Innocence

I have worked hard during my life to retain a sense of naivete ... after a certain age, it takes conscious effort to suspend disbelief, to not be cynical about people and their motives, to be able to fall in love with others -- men and women -- with disregard for their ability to potentially hurt you. To trust them to keep you safe in their hearts.

Right now, I'm reeling from two episodes of betrayal.

And after the first shock of hurt, inevitably comes anger. I'm having a hard time dealing with the anger, in both cases. I think it's because, at least in one of the cases, I truly didn't see it coming.

So what do you do with this anger? How do you bleed it off?

I write.

Trust never comes easy.
I have good antennae;
I use them.

Always double-checking
making certain I know
who I'm dealing with.

Before I let my true self show ...
not the entertaining gamine/
mask behind which I hide.

And when I relinquish the mask
with someone I feel safe with ...
what a joy, a relief that is.

So, imagine my surprise,
my anger,
to be blind-sided by you.

My mistake.
You're not the person I thought you were.
This won't happen again.

Obviously, this is anger. If it's irrational, an overreaction -- I'm not yet ready to see that.

And I hope I stop feeling this way soon. Because I have the deep sense that anger is corrosive, that it damages the person who harbors it every bit as much as it may affect the person to whom it is directed.

I want to get back my hard-earned innocence-of-my-own-making. I want to not be angry.

I've been told time heals all.

Done with You

I am done with you.

No more excuses about what you really meant
or why you couldn't
or why you didn't
or why you wouldn't.

No more of your abrupt departures
and disposable friendship
and hurtful silence
and guilty blame.

No more.
You have been part of me for a long time,
and I think it will take a long time to completely erase you.

But I will.

I believe there is a deep need in some men to kill love.
You are proof.

Pray for the Animals of New Orleans

Today I am angry
for having let myself read a perfume review
a perfume review
(it was cruel, a pseudoscientist ramping
on a wealthy perfumer's
natural scent efforts ...
disparaging, so-called wit)

I am angry I spent any time, any energy thinking about it.

Because I later turned to another blogpage and saw a skeletal dog,
true refugee of New Orleans
left to starve and die.

How can I spend any energy on the effete
when there is so much real pain
so much suffering
so much hurt

To which thought and energy is so much better addressed.

Looking Back ... and Looking Forward

So many souls
ascended that day.

Now New York
scarred but unbowed
Extends its hands to another sad city.

Tears like a tide,
wash the streets

clean.
Sorrow remembered, but also a reminder:
Life and hope renew themselves in time.

A Fine Season

Now it is the fine season
when I found my friend.

We have a year of seasons shared now.
Her friendship a gift slowly unwrapped.

A gift one didn't expect;
She surprises me still.


With her strength and generosity,
tenacity, will.

Grace, skill,
Delicacy, patience and curiosity.

She sent the spray of ruby pressed-leaf in my palm;
There are tears in my eyes.