A Writer Is Someone Who Has Written Today

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Trust, Betrayal, Anger, Innocence

I have worked hard during my life to retain a sense of naivete ... after a certain age, it takes conscious effort to suspend disbelief, to not be cynical about people and their motives, to be able to fall in love with others -- men and women -- with disregard for their ability to potentially hurt you. To trust them to keep you safe in their hearts.

Right now, I'm reeling from two episodes of betrayal.

And after the first shock of hurt, inevitably comes anger. I'm having a hard time dealing with the anger, in both cases. I think it's because, at least in one of the cases, I truly didn't see it coming.

So what do you do with this anger? How do you bleed it off?

I write.

Trust never comes easy.
I have good antennae;
I use them.

Always double-checking
making certain I know
who I'm dealing with.

Before I let my true self show ...
not the entertaining gamine/
mask behind which I hide.

And when I relinquish the mask
with someone I feel safe with ...
what a joy, a relief that is.

So, imagine my surprise,
my anger,
to be blind-sided by you.

My mistake.
You're not the person I thought you were.
This won't happen again.

Obviously, this is anger. If it's irrational, an overreaction -- I'm not yet ready to see that.

And I hope I stop feeling this way soon. Because I have the deep sense that anger is corrosive, that it damages the person who harbors it every bit as much as it may affect the person to whom it is directed.

I want to get back my hard-earned innocence-of-my-own-making. I want to not be angry.

I've been told time heals all.